What I Want

Seeing the Face of God and Playing with Lachesis

I write for many reasons. It allows me to move on from something when I find myself stuck in a thought loop. Writing brings me clarity on myself and my values when something internal is opaque to my conscious mind. My writing gives me something concrete to look at when trying to imagine my past self. I write constantly. It does not require effort, it’s like breathing. But there is only ever one reason I click publish.

I want something.

The inability to verbalize a Want is often the first sign of a disordered relationship. Whenever I find myself in a social setting and hesitant to verbalize a Want, it’s almost always a sign I am in the wrong place. Either I am around people I do not trust, or I am in a dysfunctional relationship of some kind. Maybe even with myself.

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Water Drowning in Water

Ivan Konstantinovich Aivazovsky - Among the Waves, 1898

The shoreline calls the sea
For simple words and company,
But words go on and on,
Till they collide and all is gone.
I dive into the deep—into the sea inside of me
To find another song,
To find a place where I belong

Last year I fell into the briefest yet most tumultuous romantic entanglement I’ve ever experienced.

On a couple of occasions I've expressed interest upon meeting someone for the first time but as of yet that approach hasn’t gone anywhere. My usual path to courtship goes something like:

Pre-existing friendship of many years —> Notice mutual interest —> Ask out

In the case of this relationship I noticed her interest the moment it manifested. We were dancing together for the first time and you could practically see the spark light up her eyes. I laughed in the moment and wondered if everyone else saw it too. One of the people who witnessed it later told me they did.

We were already in the habit of talking often so our pattern didn’t change much, only the subjects of conversation. A few weeks later she came to visit. During that visit the relationship abruptly ended.

I’ve had relationships end suddenly before. One time a partner realized I was serious about her and the idea of commitment so terrified her that she ghosted me for months. I ended another relationship the moment I realized I couldn’t imagine myself marrying her. This ending came about just as suddenly. Why?

It’s been a year now and I still am periodically flooded with grief over this experience and struggle to explain why when asked about what happened. Speaking about what literally took place moment to moment fails to capture its emotional weight. Especially since our threads were entangled so briefly. We would be talking. The art on the wall. The music on the radio. A film one of us had seen recently…

Spending time with her is easy. Natural. Effortless. I am on a walk through a forest in Southern Germany. I can smell the mustard fields. The unmistakable birdsong of the blue tit fills my ears. I step over the exposed roots of a silver fir, and—

—now I am in a glass box. The box is in the sea. The world around me is growing steadily darker. Above me there are already several meters of water. How did I get here? I’m trying to find an opening but the box appears to be solid. Somehow water is seeping in from all directions. It’s up to my neck already. I won’t be able to breathe much longer…

A punctuated equilibrium of serenity and terror.

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Seeing the Face of God

Claude Monet - Impression, Sunrise, 1872

“The universe unfolds in God,
who fills it completely.

Hence, there is a mystical meaning to be found in a leaf,
in a mountain trail,
in a dewdrop,
in a poor person’s face.

The ideal is not only to pass from the exterior
to the interior
to discover the action of God in the soul,
but also to discover God in all things.”

It is not unusual for me to see the spark of divinity within someone but it usually takes me years to develop romantic interest. But when I saw her face for the first time I could see in her the face of God.

Today I am writing this because after speaking with her briefly for the first time in months, I realized I am no longer in love with her. And…

I want to see the face of God again.

When I look at my past romantic partners they have very little in common, but what they do have in common seems to be nearly universal. So consider this a request to help me play with Lachesis:

If you know a woman who has the following combination of traits please introduce us.

• Black hair

• IQ >130

• Gives more moral weight to Human Liberty than most

• Gives more moral consideration to children than most

• High conscientiousness

• High emotional attunement

• Low neuroticism

• Profoundly Present

• Identifies as an artist or a writer

• Wants to have children (and homeschool them)

Thanks in advance. May 2026 bring you Many Blessings!